December, 2004
New Years Eve
Parties and Riots
The year has come to an end, and with that comes
the end to the first official year of GotBuckey.com. From rotten comments
about disgruntled ex-friends, to down right nasty thoughts about people you
hope to never see again. This site has been an outlet for me to get my daily
frustrations out, and just my little corner of the internet to express my
opinion. See, that’s the great thing about America… you can say what you
want, it’s called freedom of speech. Our forefathers had that idea sewn in
to their morals when they founded this great country of ours. Sense then,
people have used that privilege to tell people exactly how they feel about
them, and that’s all I’ve done.
Now I do admit, that the hardcore bashing is
over. I’ve decided against that just because I’m moving the genre of my site
over from a racy site, to a site more suitable for all ages. But the point
I’m making is that freedom of speech is the greatest freedom anyone has ever
been given. Please fight for it. Fight for it like these people did! I’ve
received many e-mails all year, and I just wanted to share excerpts from
some of them.
“I’ve never really seen a site like this before.
Are you on PCP?”
-Natasha, NH
“Hey! In the spirit of the season, I felt that
I needed to voice my opinion about GotBuckey.com If it were taken off of
the internet....the world would be a dark and gloomy place! I love reading
the new posts! If you take it off the internet...my new year will not be so
happy!”
-Jessi, OH
“I think this site is easily one of the top ten
million sites in the world… easily.”
-Brad, KS
“You should make more posts, I love it!”
-Amber, TX
“You… have got to… be… the most… (intelligent)
person… on the face of this planet.”
-Lynne, OH
Now if I were to add some hate mail in there, I
may also have to buy more webpage storage space. I got quite a bit of hate
mail. Most of it had to do with the JJW, and anything bad at all that I said
about Kroger. So I’ll spare you the pain, just know that a lot of people
hate me… and I’m lovin’ it!
Hope you all have a great
New Years party. Happy New Year, Get Drunk.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Alfred Guilty of
Treason, Mann Quits
Word
got out in the tiny town of Circleville on Tuesday that Kroger’s head
bagger, Alfred “Beater” Heeter was seen walking out of the Carnival Food
Store over the weekend. Heeter’s brother Darryl was mobbed by reporters
later that afternoon and was quoted as saying, “Mom said he was cleaning his
room all day.” Got Buckey correspondent Bruce Leeroy caught up with the
controversial bagger as he was taking his lunch break yesterday. “Well how
ya doin?’” said Heeter. He went on to shake the Kung-Fu squirrel’s hand and
said, “they’re going to make me a manager here soon.” After countless
minutes of avoiding questions, Heeter became hostile and lashed out at our
relentless reporter. “You leave me alone. I don’t like you making fun of me
all the time. My mom says I’m important!”
In a strange turn of events Tuesday, Kroger
manager Linda Mann announced her retirement. She was not available for
comment through out the day as she locked herself in her office with the
blinds closed and a bottle of wine. The greatest hits of Barry White could
be heard from outside her door. Company spokesperson Jake Imler, I mean Jake
Beglin, told reporters, “the recent reports of Alfred Heeter’s disloyalty
has no tie in with Mrs. Mann’s departure from our great company. Also, I
love my fiancé. Have I mentioned that before? She’s really great. I could
spend all day with her. Wait, I do! I love you shnookums!” Imler’s, I mean,
Beglin’s comments caused reporters to experience mass vomiting and extremely
painful diarrhea for a short time.
Linda Mann has been with the company sense it
was started in 1885. Her success story is no story at all. She was born in
to it. Literally. She was born in the dairy isle. We’ll pass on to you the
exact day of Mann’s departure as information becomes available.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Order Restored to Circleville
All
is back to normal, somewhat, after a Christmas storm that left a mark on
Circleville's history forever. "It was icy," said local historian Rick
Withers. "I even got ice on my bald head. Children used it as an ice rink,
and played hockey on it." Withers' side kick Alfred Heeter wasn't available
for comment at press time. "He's busy cleaning his room," said his extremely
inbred mother. Power has been to restored to almost all Circleville
customers except, of course, for those who didn't have power to begin with.
Southcentral Power spokesperson Gregory Thomas addressed angry poverty
stricken citizens on the steps of city hall Monday, stating that, "we're not
giving you welfare losers electricity unless you pay for it." Thomas is
currently recovering in a local hospital from beer bottle stab wounds, after
an angry hobo attacked. Witnesses described the attacker as an "angry
leprechaun." More as this story continues to develop.
Christmas Eve
Food and Presents
That's all I really have to say. Food and Presents. That's what the next two
days will consist of. Then Sunday you lay around thinking, "wow... that
didn't take long at all. Christmas is over, now I have to get back to
normal." That's ok, maybe you can stay in the Christmas mood for the next
week... or until all of this ice melts.
That's right, Circleville got hit by a monster ice storm Wednesday night.
Children screaming, elderly people throwing themselves in front of snow
plows, prophets telling us all that this is the white death the bible talks
about. At one point in time, Satan himself was saying, "damn, that's messed
up." In the end, we were left with a thick coating of ice and a lil bitty
dusting of snow. Meteorologists were quoted 3 days ago saying, "ah, there'll
be 6 - 10 inches of snow." On Thursday morning, those guys were run out of
town. I think we'd TAKE the snow compared to this ice junk. But hey, it got
me out of work for 2 days.
In
other news, Circleville Kroger was shut down Thursday and Friday.
Preliminary reports are that Circleville Police ordered it closed because
it's just such a crappy store... absolutely nothing to do with the storm.
MERRY
CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!
Sunday, December 19, 2004
It Ain't Christmas Unless...
There are few times of the year like this.
Christmas seems to bring out the best, and the worst, in people everywhere.
Christmas seems to have that magic about it like no other holiday. When was
the last time you got really excited about Halloween in August? Or what
about July 4th in May? Customers and companies alike start hyping the
Holiday Season at least a couple months before it actually hits. But in
order for you to be in the "mood" for Christmas, there has to be a few
common events to take place to "feel" like Christmas here. Of course it has
to snow. I honestly don't know how people in Florida even celebrate
Christmas Day in shorts. There has to be at least one relative from out of
town come to your house and give you a gift of something wrapped up from
their house. It wouldn't be Christmas unless you went to the company
Christmas party, got hammered, and danced... on a table... with your pants
off. Oh, and when Christmas Day rolls around, don't forget to open your
presents in your underwear. That always makes for great pictures.
For our good friends at the Kroger Company, lets
not forget that it's not Christmas unless Scrooge (Mann) tells everyone that
they can't take their vacation days during Christmas week. It wouldn't be
Christmas unless Rick and Alfred sang at least ONE carol in the middle of a
busy day at work... and then Rick talked bad about Alfred as he walked away.
Finally, it's not Christmas unless 10 people call off Christmas Eve with a
mysterious illness closely related to West Nile.
If you haven't experienced at least one of the
magical occurrences above, then move to Poland with all the Jews.
Merry Christmas, ya'll
UPDATE: 
That is
just wrong on so many levels.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Gift Giving for Dummies
This is the time of year that you save all
your money up for.. to buy stuff for people OTHER than yourself. Yeah,
that's what I love to see happen to my hard earned money. Thrown away. I
have a huge Christmas list of people to buy for. Of course, a few more to
buy for than last year, like I have to find something for the editor of the
local newspaper; for not suing me. Oh, and I better go pick up a little
something for Linda Mann. She could have very easily brought the site down.
I don't believe in buying for the little people though. Like the mailman,
the guy who delivers my propane, the pizza guy, my grandma... you know,
those people you maybe see twice a year.
But when you do finally shorten your "nice"
list, there's a few things you should remember when you go shopping. First
off, you shouldn't buy crappy gifts. Period. No matter what. Here's a little
list of things I've actually heard advertised on the radio, or TV, as a
holiday gift.
-
Diapers. No matter how poor that new
mommy is, she doesn't wanna see anymore diapers.
-
Gift Certificate to Donatos. What?
Why? It makes no sense. I can't physically do anything with that!
-
Batteries. Unless you've got a remote
control to a new Plasma TV that goes with that pack of AA, take it back.
Now.
-
Life Insurance. This is a joke,
right? Cause that just means they're WANTING you to die.
-
Vacuum Cleaner. Nothing says "you
suck, mom," like a vacuum cleaner.
-
Exercise Equipment. You're fat...
Merry Christmas, fatty!
-
Socks. Nothin' says lovin' like a bag
of socks! Not.
-
Lingerie. Put it down. No matter how
you look at it, that undergarment is for YOU.
-
Fruit Cake. No words. You know
better.
-
Anything Cubic Zirconium.
Women have built in fake jewelry detectors. You'll get
caught. I promise.
-
Food. This includes sausage sample
packs, cheese of the month, and pastries.
-
You. If you try to give yourself as a
gift, the Christmas Mafia consisting of Baby Jesus, The Three Wisemen,
Santa Claus, and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, will repel down the side
of your house and in to your living room with an AK-47, smoke bombs, and
Agent Orange. After the initial first wave, you won't feel a thing, and
they'll take you out in the middle of the woods to freeze to death for
your horrible sin. Baby Jesus has been the ONLY man in history who was
able to give himself as a gift.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Jacko's Twelve Days of Christmas
They're allegations. Just allegations. That's all that
Michael Jackson seems to ever say. That would be like me saying, "the
reports that I used to call Linda Mann a Nazi are nothing but allegations."
Wow. How naive can anyone be? Well, in the spirit of Christmas and good fun,
I bring you a 'lil something I put together. I call it, "Michael Jackson's
Twelve Days of Christmas." Enjoy.
Michael Jackson’s
Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas Jacko gave
to me
A pair of panties from Lisa Marie
On the second day of Christmas Jacko gave
to me
Two soiled Luvs, and some panties from
Lisa Marie
On the third day of Christmas Jacko gave
to me
Three clinched rear ends, Two soiled
Luvs, and some panties from Lisa Marie
On the fourth day of Christmas Jacko gave
to me
Four falling drawers, Three clinched rear
ends, Two soiled Luvs, and some panties from Lisa Marie
On the fifth day of Christmas Jacko gave
to me
Five ding-a-lings, Four falling drawers,
Three clinched rear ends, Two soiled Luvs, and some panties from Lisa Marie
On the sixth day of Christmas Jacko gave
to me
Six boys-a-playing, Five ding-a-lings,
Four falling drawers, Three clinched rear ends, Two soiled Luvs, and some
panties from Lisa Marie
On the seventh day of Christmas Jacko
gave to me
Seven condoms brimming, Six
boys-a-playing, Five ding-a-lings, Four falling drawers, Three clinched rear
ends, Two soiled Luvs, and some panties from Lisa Marie
On the eighth day of Christmas Jacko gave
to me
Eight children willing, Seven condoms
brimming, Six boys-a-playing, Five ding-a-lings, Four falling drawers, Three
clinched rear ends, Two soiled Luvs, and some panties from Lisa Marie
On the ninth day of Christmas Jacko gave
to me
Ninth graders dancing, Eight children
willing, Seven condoms brimming, Six boys-a-playing, Five ding-a-lings, Four
falling drawers, Three clinched rear ends, Two soiled Luvs, and some panties
from Lisa Marie
On the tenth day of Christmas Jacko gave
to me
Ten buddies peeping, Ninth graders
dancing, Eight children willing, Seven condoms brimming, Six boys-a-playing,
Five ding-a-lings, Four falling drawers, Three clinched rear ends, Two
soiled Luvs, and some panties from Lisa Marie
On the eleventh day of Christmas Jacko
gave to me
Eleven cherries popping, Ten buddies
peeping, Ninth graders dancing, Eight children willing, Seven condoms
brimming, Six boys-a-playing, Five ding-a-lings, Four falling drawers, Three
clinched rear ends, Two soiled Luvs, and some panties from Lisa Marie
On the twelfth day of Christmas Jacko
gave to me
Twelve boys-a-screaming, Eleven cherries
popping, Ten buddies peeping, Ninth graders dancing, Eight children willing,
Seven condoms brimming, Six boys-a-playing, Five ding-a-lings, Four falling
drawers, Three clinched rear ends, Two soiled Luvs, and some panties from
Lisa Marie
Wednesday, December 8, 2004
Buck Nuts the Ho-man
Does it get any better than this? Buck Nuts, in the spirit of the holiday
season, rolled himself in to a snowman. Excuse me, a ho-man. Cause you see,
Big Buck Nuts thinks he's a ladies man, you know, with the abnormal size of
his squirrelly nuts. Beautiful, Buck Nuts, beautiful.
Yet to come... the December Got Buckey Newsletter
coming out in a week! This time I'll post in on the site under the
"Newsletter" section, sense people had problems reading it last time.
Monday, December 6, 2004
Year End Review
Well, GotBuckey.com has been up for almost all of
2004... that's nearly a year! After starting out as the cheapest looking
website money can buy, it's become a multimedia conglomerate. Throughout the
year this site has made tons of friends. Everyone from Marcus West who still
visits frequently and claims to be the sites "number one fan," to DL Casto
who checks just to make sure I haven't turned on him. Also in the past year,
this site has made quite a few enemies. For legal reasons, I can't possibly
begin to name these people, but if you've visited this site from time to
time, you know who they are.
Turns out the press is eating up this year end review
too. I've surfed the web and found quite a few quotes from reputable media
sources that have praised the work that this site has done.
"It's such a rewarding experience just browsing the
pages of this well put together site." - Joel Siegel
"I can move my finger!" -Christopher Reeves
"If God were to make a website, this would be it."
-Dan Rather
"That's ignorant!" -Michael Jackson
"Ok, I like it, but it's still the doodie work of an
ignorant, ignorant man." -Michael Jackson
"He's right, my wife IS a ketchup whore!" -Sen.
John Kerry
"He's right, Teresa Heinz Kerry IS a ketchup whore!"
-President George W. Bush
"The most important website. Ever." -Bill Gates
"If Buckey made a t-shirt, I'd give it to all the
boys and girls!" -Santa Claus
"I can't breathe" - Christopher Reeves
"You're all too God damn sensitive" - Eminem
So there you have it. My year end review from the
critics sounds pretty good. You can guarantee none of that is made up and
every last bit of it is true. I promise. Now it's your turn. E-mail me at
webmaster@gotbuckey.com and
tell me what you've thought of this site in 2004. You can leave your name,
or not, and I'll post all comments on my site between Christmas and New
Years Eve, during my year end dancing Full House-style montage spectacular!
Also, be sure to let me know if you'd like to see GotBuckey.com stick around
for another year. My domain contract is up in January and I need to decide
now if I'll be around for one more year.
Also in other news, turns out Rick Withers isn't Santa
Claus. I'm shocked and appalled.
Sunday, December 5, 2004
Deck the Halls with Suicide
You know, I think it's pretty funny to get on AIM and
see the away messages and info of all these people who say they "want to
die," or they're going to "kill themselves." That means only one thing...
it's the Holidays again. I have no remorse for an idiot that wants to take
his or her own life because...
1. Someone is mad at you
2. A significant other broke up with you
3. You don't want to go to work
4. So and so doesn't wanna date you
5. You got in a fight online
Wow. Those right there are the 5 most stupid reasons to
ever want to kill yourself. Here are the top 5 circumstances I can actually
see someone wanting to kill themselves FOR A GOOD REASON.
1. You've been diagnosed with a horrible disease that
will slowly kill them over the next year
2. You're stuck in a high rise, trapped by fire
3. You see your grandma in the shower
4. Everyone you know and love was gunned down at a
family reunion
5. GotBuckey.com gets shut down
I did see something yesterday though that made me want
to drive my car in to a bridge embankment. I was in the happiest place on
earth, Kroger, and saw a Santa talking to little children. I listened
closely and discovered who Santa was. Rick Withers. I won't go any farther,
I'll just leave you with that visual. Hey, at least it wasn't Alfred.
Friday, December 3, 2004
'Tis the season
Yeah, it's Christmas time again... or as the more
politically correct people say, it's the "Holiday Season." Whatever, even
Jewish people wanna have Christmas. So... it's Christmas time again.
It's a joyous time, isn't it? You go to the stores and
get to see some of the best chick fights you could ever imagine. Traffic is
so bad that you're bound to see a wreck anywhere you go. Horrible business
establishments, such as the monopoly of a grocery store here in town, are
nothing but hell holes for anyone who sets foot inside. God forbid you take
that last Christmas Ham... you'll never leave the store alive.
Sense it's only a handful of days before Christmas, I
thought I'd get everyone in the mood with a lil Christmas cheer. The black
dude and I have compiled a number of "Christmas Carols" that we wrote. I
thought I'd share one with you.
WARNING... SOME, IF NOT ALL, CONTENT MAY BE EXPLICIT.
Night Before
Christmas
‘Twas the night before
Christmas and all through the cribola
Not a bitch was moaning, not even that bitch Lola
I was getting’ that mouth, and to my surprise
Out of the dark poked two gloomy eyes
And I say “hey you mother fucker!
Stop watchin me get
blow
Get your hand off your dick
And get the fuck out my doe”
He said Ho Ho
Ho I brought you some presents
I said “Hey you fat furry fuck,” as I grab my Smith
and Wesson
He started to run towards the chimney
And he grabbed my TV and my
Tupac CD
I got up to shoot and blew off a cap
Then that sum bitch grabbed my Cowboys hat
I said “You mother fucker put that shit back!”
He said “see you in hell cock sucker”
As an elf jumped me from the back
I got him in a headlock, then
he kicked me in the sack
Then Santa ran out my smoke stack
By the time I got outside he was already around the
corner
Then I went to run after him and slipped on a
Corona
I was walking back inside and I seen the
sleigh take off
He said “Merry Christmas to all, except YOU
MU FUCKER!”