A Typical Woman

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’re the proud owner of a brand new girlfriend! Treat her good and she’ll be loyal for life… kind of like my dog, only she’s not all that hairy, except when she thinks it’s cool to not shave her legs in winter time to “insulate” herself. Treat her badly and you’ll wish your mom dropped you off in a dumpster somewhere when you were born. Always thoroughly read all instructions before operating this product. Improper use can and will result in injury or death.

IV. GETTING STARTED:

When you first start on this long journey called love with your new female companion, always remember to use protection. That’s right, anywhere you go with her, wear a football helmet and a cup. Anything can happen on dates with your new found love, so be prepared for some crazy stuff. While you’re still working out the cobwebs that she accumulated while sitting in our warehouse, please be sure to follow these safety rules:

1. Never look at another female. Ever. Even if you’re looking at her cause she’s running down the street on fire. Your female unit will begin to overheat.

2. For at least the first week or two, keep your hands to yourself. Trying to find her internal parts will prompt immediate abandonment of its owner, being you.

3. Open every door, pull out every chair. Doing this will work out the cobwebs quicker and enable you to enjoy the experience of having a female unit.

4. No matter what music you’re in to, play Usher when she’s in the car with you. All female units are equipped with membranes that cause them to instantly take their shirts off and dance when hearing this music. Nelly works too.

5. Throw away all belongings or leftover materials of another female. If your unit were to find any of these lying around your apartment, you immediately delay the “pleasure” portion of your relationship by 3 months.

Keep in mind that women have feelings too. Although it may seem at times that your new girlfriend cares about nothing more than makeup, clothes, shopping, making fun of you, eating, eating some more because she’s actually pretty obese, checking out other guys, insulting your intelligence although her IQ is 20, and ignoring you, women are actually capable than much more than that. They too have feelings, so no matter how much they get on your nerves and you just want to snap their necks like a stick, you have no choice but to tend to their every need. Why? Because they have something you want. Notice Figure 1. By this diagram, it’s self explanatory. Boobies.

Figure 1

V. MAINTENANCE:

Women are hard to please. One minute they’re hot, the next minute they’re cold. You can buy them chocolates but they won’t eat them (in front of you) because they don’t want you thinking they’re fat. Too bad you already think she’s fat and just don’t have the stones to say it to her face. Anyway, there’s some basic maintenance needed for all women, no matter which make or model you purchased.

1. Their weight can get out of hand if you don’t watch what they eat. Be sure to discourage dessert after dinner, and if she happens to eat anything after 9pm, make her run laps around the house to burn the excess fat since her metabolism isn’t as fast at night.

2. Basic grooming is easily ignored after she spends long enough with you. She gets this crazy idea in her head that you love her for who she is deep inside. So be alert for excess hair in places that are fairly unattractive. Bring it to her attention with a swift slap in the place where hair is growing and yell, “EW! RUG BURN!”

3. Another thing that seems to be ignored after a long period of time is her dressing up for you. She seems to take for granted all those times you say, “you look cute in sweatpants and an old t-shirt.” Soon she’ll be wearing it all the time. As soon as she gets home it goes on. When you go to the grocery together, she thinks it’s ok to sport the ugly homeless person look. Let her buy clothes. This is the only cure.

4. There’s no such thing as too much makeup. She can be a pretty ugly beast without it, so do your part in helping her maintain her look by allowing her to take an hour to get ready. It’s for a good cause.

5. Maybe this goes back to number 1, but she gets overweight… quickly. Buy her a membership to a gym or health club. Make her go 7 days a week. Sure she comes home stinky, but you gotta give a little to get a little.

VI. FIGHTING:

Fighting is a normal part of any relationship. If you never fight, then it’s like you’re dating yourself, and that’s sick. When a fight presents itself, the last thing you should do is throw beer in her face. The first thing you should do is unplug her from the wall. But if she’s on battery power at the time, then you’re screwed.

i. IF YOU’RE THE CAUSE

If you’re the reason that you and your partner are fighting, you can’t win. There’s no possible way, unless you happen to chase her down the hallway with a drill. You can call her names, you can try to change your story. Whatever you do will just make things ten times worse when the fight ends. Give it up. You will lose. Women never lose fights.

ii. IF SHE’S THE CAUSE

You still can’t win. Give up anyway. Once again, women don’t lose fights.

VII. BAD SIGNS:

There are some things that you need to look out for. Some things are just too much to handle, and your woman should be returned to the store for a refund.

1. If she happens to come to your place of work and watch you work for hours on end for no apparent reason. No, I’m sure this hasn’t happened to anyone at all. It’s not like a certain Circleville citizen spends her nights sitting in a cinema lobby.

2. If she gets mad because you didn’t say “I love you” when you got off the phone. Oh no, the humanity. That’s just wack, return her.

3. If you two haven’t even gotten married and she starts picking out baby names… and pet names… and names for just about anything else that can be named.

4. If she demands jewelry on your anniversary.

5. If she makes you pick her over your friends. First tell her, “hey trick, it’s guys night out.” Then throw beer in her face.

6. If she changes the station on your car radio, or changes the track on the CD, or turns the volume all the way down just so she can tell you about something absolutely retarded that happened that day to her.

7. She starts signing your last name before you even get engaged.

8. When her and your mom talk about you behind your back.

9. If she EVER withholds sex, kill her. Don’t return her, kill her. The judge at your hearing will understand.

10. If she even jokes around about doing any destruction to your car during a fight. That’s not funny. Not one bit. Cut the brake lines on her car and challenge her to a race. Accidents do happen, ya know.

VIII. TROUBLESHOOTING:

If you have any problems that you can’t solve with this instruction manual, first call Dr. Phil, and then let me know at eric@gotbuckey.com

Chances are you will have quite a few problems with her, and you’ll grow to hate her over time. But guess what, stay with her for a while. Everything will pay itself off in time. How? Well, lets just say that women are like cars… you can drive them off a cliff and collect insurance. Oh the beauty of life insurance.

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