Trailer and a Mullet
[February 26, 2005] I guess this kind of ties back in to my last commentary, "Leggo My Preggo." When I heard that the Succubus is pregnant and all that, I guess it got me to thinking about what my life would be like if I would have went down a different path. Say I would have stuck with her... chances are I'd have a trailer and a mullet right now. There was another girl I dated that I kindly refer to as "El Diablo" because I honestly think she was the devil. Things were serious with us for a short time, and if I would have stuck with that one, I'm sure right now we'd actually be living in that trashy trailer with her very obese mom, and 3 kids. There were a number of girls I've had flings with in kind of recent memory that I KNOW for a fact I'm glad nothing happened. One already had a kid, and one still acts like a kid, and she's supposed to be "matured." Ha.
I suppose there's a moral to my story. Listen up closely DL... sometimes it's ok to let go of the past. It's over and done with now. If you're supposed to spend forever with someone, then God wouldn't have made you throw beer in her face. Or bang one of her friends. See DL, God's sending you a message. He's saying, "you two should settle this once and for all in Eric's backyard... in a steel cage." Hey, you heard God.
[February 21, 2005] Michael Jackson is guilty, and that's no lie. Now I'm not so sure that he's actually guilty on this count of molestation, but I'm pretty sure he's touched a little boy somewhere down the line. Personally, I just think he's guilty of being a sick freak. I understand that he didn't have a childhood, but does that mean you gotta sleep in the same bed as a 10 year old boy? This guy's got some issues. All he wants to do is spend his day with little kids. Why not give up the pop scene and just become a Kindergarten teacher? I'll tell you why... cause his finger paintings suck. Take a look. I think he should stick to being a white woman.
But you know who's even more guilty? The stupid parents that keep sending their kids over to Neverland! Do you not read the signs at the gate? "You must be this tall to ride Michael." Come on morons! While you're diggin' for gold when you send you kid over there, Michael's diggin' for coal in your son's pooper. Some things just aren't worth money. Morons.
Brush Your Teeth
[February 19, 2005] I know this sounds like a stretch, but in Quincy, MA a rape victim identified her rapist due to his amazingly bad breath. I'm not kidding, it's true. The raper broke in wearing a ski mask and committed the act before bed one night. The woman figured out who it was when she went to work and realized that the horrible breath she smelled during the act was the same disgusting smell protruding from her bosses face. Her boss is being held in prison with a $100,000 bail. So today's lesson, brush your teeth before you commit a crime.
UPDATED: Buckey's Dictionary (February 19, 2005)
[February 16, 2005] Valentine's Day, the one day of the year when you're required by the laws of nature to suck up to the one you love like you killed her cat and blamed it on her dad. It's also a time that you can try to make up for things that you've done in the past year. Why not buy her a promise ring? That'll easily cover up the fact that you're an angry little bipolar leprechaun, and you buy your woman jewelry once a year to cover up for the fact that you're not so privileged south of the border.
So Valentine's Day can be a blessing and a curse at the same time. Say you've only been dating a girl for a couple weeks... what do you buy her? I'll tell you what you buy her... nothing. Tell her you're broke, cause if you buy her something, you're stuck for life. Sucks, doesn't it?
N. Korea Hates Us
[February 10, 2005] Last night, North Korea admitted to having nuclear weapons, which is a total contradiction of what they've been saying for the past few years. Their "reason" for having these nukes is to defend themselves against President Bush's aggressive position. It's too bad that they can't see that Bush is taking that position BECAUSE they have nukes. Listen here North Korea, first time you even attempt to fire a nuke at us, we can flatten your entire country with about 50 in less than an hour. You guys remember WWII? You saw what happened to your neighbors in Japan when they ticked us off. Bad call.
When President Bush was asked about the recent developments, he proceeded to pronounce "nuclear" wrong again, and say, "sweet. Let 'em have their toys. I got my finger on the red button of doom as we speak. I always wanted to find out what this bitch does."
Super Bowl XXXIX
[February 6, 2005] Tonight's the night that just about all of America waits for all season. It's the Super Bowl, and it's a night when gallons of beer is consumed, millions of nachos are crunched, and tits are exposed at halftime. I think it'll be pretty funny when Paul McCartney busts out his left nut at the end of his set tonight. And you thought he was a saint, ha. So down to it, everyone thinks the Patriots are going to run over the Eagles, but history is actually AGAINST them. First off, Tom Brady is a former Michigan quarterback. No Michigan quarterback has ever made anything of himself in life, so there's strike one. Second, this team is from Boston. Last year was Boston's year in the spot light, with the Sox and Patriots winning titles that year. Boston has been playing second best to the world, and today will be no different. Finally, tonight is the night that Donovan McNabb becomes the second black QB to win the Super Bowl. Why? Because Tom Brady is from Michigan.
Screw This Burger
[February 3, 2005] McDonald's most recent ad campaign encourages you to have sex with a double cheeseburger. In an ad seen on ESPN's "Page 2," McDonalds exclaims, "I'd Hit It." The guy that made this slogan up must have been over 50. I think we all know that in slang, "I'd hit it" means you'd like to have intercourse with someone. I'm gonna tell you right now, that must be one hell of a burger. Please, just feast your eyes on it yourself. Idiots, they're idiots.
Got Buckey's New Look
[February 1, 2005] Today, Circleville's premier website, GotBuckey.com, got a much needed facelift. Said the creator, "it looked too out dated. It looked like a 90's site with a little Flash." The Flash he's talking about is the banner and menu of the webpage. Gone are the cheap graphics and ugly babies drinking vodka of the past. Here is the new Got Buckey.
Having trouble getting around? Don't know where your favorite things are? Here's some help. If you're looking for articles from previous months and years, look to the bottom of the page for the archive navigation. To the left you'll notice a couple new sections. Check them out, see what you think. All sections have been updated. The old site, seen at the right, is gone. I promise. Don't think that means I'm changing. All that's changing is the look. It's still got the same great taste. Hope you like it!
Women Need A Manual
[February 27, 2005] There's been a number of times I'm sure you've though, "man, I wish my girlfriend came with an instruction manual. That'd make my life easier." Well, no need to wish anymore. I've been researching women for the past 20 years, and I think I've finally figured them out. They come across and fickle beasts that seem impossible to tame. But with the right touch, you can make her in to the woman of your dreams. Read this instruction manual and watch everything that she's ever done make perfect sense. You can thank me later.
e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org for a copy of the Women's Manual.
(Proceed with Caution)
Leggo My Preggo
[February 23, 2005] I think I've stopped coughing long enough to write this...
Earlier this week, I learned that a girl I used to date in high school is pregnant. Guys, I'm sure you've had this happen to you, but this time's different. This girl was the anti-slut. She wouldn't hold your hand, she wouldn't kiss you, she wouldn't even look you in the eyes for fear that it'll lead to intimate contact. So of course when I heard the news, I got this look on my face like someone pissed in my Cheerios. I couldn't believe it! The same girl that made my prom hell because she wouldn't even dance with me, is the same one that is now knocked up and ready to start a good old fashioned Mullet-style family. Serves her right, for ruining my prom. Score one for the good guys.
DL 'Roids Up
[February 20, 2005] In an interview conducted today with famed former Circleville citizen DL Casto, he informed me that he will soon look like the incredible hulk. With a deadly mix of steroids, weight lifting, and Coors Light, DL plans on bulking up and beating the hell out of Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I really don't care right now, I just want to get big," exclaimed Casto. When asked about the possible shrinkage of his package, he simply replied, "nah, I'll be alright bud." The transformation will begin this Saturday when his "cycle" begins. When asked about his possible title bout with Katie Garrison in March he simply replied, "I won't be stopped."
The unfortunate news for Mr. Casto is that drug tests will be given before the match, so his efforts are all for nothing. Don't worry though. Coming in April you can make DL and Katie fight each other in Got Buckey's first video game, "DL vs. Katie 1.0." You can also keep up with the progression of DL's supplemental challenge on his site, Life and Times of DL Casto.
[February 17, 2005] Turns out, I offended leprechauns everywhere yesterday with my comments about their members and their bipolar disorder and such. I had one IM me questioning my sexuality. This certain elf has had a history with obsessing over which way I swing, so I began to question whether he’s all about the sausage or the pie. Then it hit me. Where can leprechauns be found? At the end of a rainbow. I rest my cause your honor.
I Love Crack
[February 13, 2005] This kid loves crack.
[February 9, 2005] I'm sad to announce that the big fight between Katie and DL won't take place in my backyard in March. Neither side agreed to a hardcore wrestling match for the ages, so I'm gonna have to call the fight. But I got to thinking about it afterwards and thought, "wow, I think it would be great to be able to simulate what WOULD have happened if they fought." That's all it took. The wheels started turning and I decided to make, "DL vs. Katie, Version 1.0." A due date on this is not official yet, but expect it to be out late March/ early April. It's gonna be bloody.
Update: Buckey's Dictionary 2/9/05
Casto vs. Garrison
[February 5, 2005] DL Casto and Katie Garrison have been in acquaintance of each other since early 2002. That's about three years that they've had to fight, argue, and be in love a little too. Now for the past few months, the two of them have been separated. It's been ugly too. Real ugly. Katie's called DL every name under the sun, and pretty rightfully so, as DL hasn't exactly acted like an angel. He's posted rude comments about Katie on this site, and even listed every single girl he's "done the deed" with, since they broke up. Now the bickering and name calling is getting out of hand, and being done in public places, like the internet.
So as a human being, I see it as my duty to help out in any way I can. I propose DL and Katie talk about everything once and for all... in a "Hell in a Cell Ironman" wrestling match. One hour of beating the living hell out of each other with chairs, bats, guns, thumbtacks, anything! I'll build the cell, we'll have it in my backyard on March 27, 2005. Be there.
Questions or Comments about the match? email@example.com
I Hate Fat Girls
[February 2, 2005] I'm not going to tread lightly around this one, I simply can not stand fat girls. ANY fat girls. And it's not just because their bellies hang over their cutoff jeans, or they generally smell like serious B.O. No, it has nothing to do with that. Simply put, they're stupid. Not like you would call someone when you were a kid on the playground, "I hate you, you're stupid." I mean, they really are stupid. Scientists have proven that most fat girls can't spell. Case in point, here's what someone away message reads...
"Well... Havent Been Too School For The Last Two Days b/c I'm Extremely SICK!:-\ MY Chest Hurts, My Head Hurts, My Throat Hurts. Juss Drank Almost A Half A Bottle Of Nyquil So I'm Headed To Bed! FANTASIA. Call Me When Ya Wake Up! Missin u baby!:-\ ot a day that goes by do i not think of u. cant wait til ur back! iLOVEu babe!:-* "
Wow, if I had to read that one more time, I'd think a crack baby went in to seizures on the keyboard and made those letters. Lets see, just a couple things... "Too" should be "to." When this large girl went on about her symptoms, she capitalized "MY" as if she were yelling, because in case you didn't know, all caps does signify yelling. She claims she "Juss" drank half a bottle of Nyquil. Juss? And, "ot a day goes by?" Ok.
There's a lot more problems with that paragraph than I have the patience for, so I'm gonna stop there. But that's not the only example of fat girls being incompetent. Cause I'm sure you can get a great job even though you're illiterate... like Burger King. Besides that, I don't know one fat girl that hasn't said, "I'm going to lose this weight, you wait and see..." and proceeds to stuff a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in her mouth. Name one smart fat girl in this world, and I'll give you 20 bucks.