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KID LIKES PORN

[March 25, 2005] Yesterday in Jacko's trial, they brought evidence to the table that there were prints on a porno mag that matches the accusers brother. The prosecution jumped up and down in jubilation thinking they just won the trial when the judge looked at them and said, "so the kid likes porn. We all like porn. Your point?" You could hear the hopes and dreams being crushed out of the prosecution's case.

 

As if this case isn't odd enough, chances are George Lopez, the man with the worlds largest head, will take time out of his oh so busy schedule and testify for Jackson on Monday. After Lopez does some stand up, Red Hot Chili Peppers will provide the musical entertainment for the afternoon session and Penn & Teller will do a magic show to wrap up the evening.

 

And the prosecution is screwed again. Their key witness is going to jail on 15 counts, including kidnapping, burglary, and for pretty much winning the case for Jacko. Michael Jackson is as guilty as they come, but he's gonna be set free, because the circus is in town.

 


SHIAVO

 

[March 22, 2005] A judge yesterday ruled that Terri Shiavo's feeding tube be removed. And that's good. I'm not some kind of insensitive prick, I think letting her die is actually best for her. Think about it, she's in a vegetative state, she can't do anything, she can't even eat on her own. How long would you like to live like that?

 

Now here's the legal side of it. She's taking up a hospital room, she's taking up taxpayers money, and she wants to die. Hell, her husband even said she should die. So what's the fight about? Just do it. In fact, there's probably thousands of people just like her in America. Chances are if Terri dies, so will they. Is it right... well, that's for the politicians to decide.


'ROIDS IN COURT

 

[March 18, 2005] Yesterday in a congressional hearing, Mark McGwire basically admitted to doing steroids when he played. He never came out and said it, but when members asked him if he did, he simply never answered, and continued to "take the fifth" all afternoon. In other words, he was juiced. Many famous baseball players appeared in court yesterday like Sammy Sosa, Jose Canseco, and McGwire. But the surprise testimony of the day came from DL Casto. He told the court, "hell yeah I do the juice. I'd give 'roids to my dog." When asked if he thought steroids were ethical, DL replied, "I don't care about ethics. All I know is when I flex, women scream."

 

As testimony went on, DL asked for a 15 minute recess to "juice back up." When he came back, he beat the hell out of Jose Canseco for mentioning him in his book. Casto is being held on $500,000 bail.

Depression Bonus!!


DEPRESSION, PART 2

 

[March 13, 2005] "Woe is me, I can't get a boyfriend. I have nobody that wants to talk to me. I'm all alone in the world." If you thought that the previous statement was someone who is clinically depressed, you're right AND wrong. Yes, it's possible that this person went in to the doctor, told him all about how sucky life is, and the doc prescribed some Zoloft. Where you're wrong is the fact that there is no such thing as clinical depression. If everyone in the world went to the doctor every time they were feeling down, then the drug companies would be filthy rich. Go ahead and take some pills because you're too ugly. Sure, those meds make you feel better about yourself, but it doesn't make you look any better. Just makes you forget exactly how ugly you are.

 

Now of course, this could apply in many situations. Like, for instance, if a family member died. Yeah, you're sad, you're hurt, but poppin' pills won't bring that dude outta the grave. Do it old school... just tough it out, and live to see another day. Now if the world came to an end, I'd understand why you'd need pills.

 

New Feature! -- Gizoogle this Article


BYE, DAN

 

[March 10, 2005] After millions of years of being on the air, Dan Rather finally called it quits last night. After coming in last in ratings to everyone in the past 10 years, he decided to "go out on top," as he called it. Sure Dan, you went out on top. Between the Bush story that you screwed up, to the hooker you banged in the bathroom before your last show, you sure went out on top. Aim high, little buddy. No matter how you went out Dan, we'll all remember you for being a pampas ass when the story broke that your story about the Prez was a little off target. How about the time you beat that little kid up in an alley because he looked at your shopping cart wrong? What about the blonde you slammed in a wood chipper? Bet you never told anyone about that, did ya? You're our hero, Dan.

 

New Feature! -- Gizoogle this Article


IDIOTS? YUP.

 

[March 6, 2005] I guess this is an article that I'm just going to have to write every now and then. It seems like once a week I get an e-mail or an instant message that tells me to stop writing about them on my website. I read this and just kinda laugh for a while before replying with a link to my Terms of Service page. Because you see, I'm somewhat intelligent. I did well in school, and pick up on things quickly. So when I got busted the first time for writing something about a local grocery store employee who will spend his whole life scanning cans of beans, I got smart. So when someone says, "stop writing about me," I usually ask them to show me where I wrote about them. Then I ask them to show me their name. They search and the search. Nothing stating their whole name. So I win and I mark one up for me.

 

Then I get the classic insult, "all you do all day is play with your little computer. Get a life!" Ah, you see, computers are my life. Not to the extent that I stay up all night with it, but it pays the bills. I have an education and a job in computers. And you have a job making 8 bucks an hour bringing me my coffee if you're ignorant enough to think I'm messing with this site all day. Oh, don't forget to make those copies for me too.

 

People with this little brain capacity usually end up with a job mixing concrete for a living. Have fun. Call me up if you need a job washing cars too. Mine's a little dirty.


SUCK IT JACK FROST

 

[March 1, 2005]  Today's the first day of March. I guess Jack Frost didn't get the memo. Cause there he was waiting for me in my driveway this morning when I go to warm up my car. "Where you goin' Buckey? Starting your car? Better let it run a couple minutes longer this morning, cause I took a big world class white dump on your car while you were sleeping! And I pissed in your gas tank." Man, that Jack Frost is a real bully.

 

BAD BRACKET

 

[March 21, 2005] It's been a while since I've had a basketball bracket that looked this bad. I think I could have let a 2 year old throw up on my bracket, and he'd pick better teams than I did. I chose some upsets, I picked some solid teams... but who would have known the national champs would have lost to NC State? Or that Kansas would be slapped by, who? Bucknell? Who's that?

 

Next year, I've decided to go bold for the tourney. All 16 seeds will go to the final four. We're talkin' Holy Cross vs. Southwestern Central Indiana St. vs. DeVry-Columbus vs. the Mormons of Northeastern Idaho. I'm liking those crazy Mormons of Northeastern Idaho as champs. Can't go wrong.

 

UPDATE: Look for the GotBuckey Comic Book in April!


POINTLESS CLASSES

 

[March 16, 2005] There's a whole bunch of college classes that are just about pointless. The reason I went to DeVry is because they focus on your major. No extra-curricular classes. Straight to the basics... so I thought. Here's some classes I have and already had...

  • Critical Thinking - Huh? I honestly don't remember what this class was about. I guess I need to work on my critical thinking skills.

  • Comp100 - It's basically a class on how to turn on a computer and access the internet. Lets put it this way, if you're reading this site right now, you don't need this class.

  • Project Management - A class on how to join in to groups and work together. Guess what... I work in a project group at work, it's nothing like this stupid class.

  • Contemporary Literature - Why do we care about Edgar Allan Poe?

  • Contemporary History - I learned all about the history of disgusting tall blondes riddled with disease and big front teeth.

I feel like I lose 10 IQ points every time I go to one of these classes. I've learned more from watching bubbles float to the top of my Coke glass than I did from those classes.


DEPRESSION IS WEAK

 

[March 11, 2005] Raise your hand if you know someone who "claims" they're clinically depressed. Go ahead, keep those hands held high. Now keep it raised if they're full of BS. Chances are, everyone of you should have your hands still up. Depression is just a way of getting attention and getting yourself out of having to kill yourself. "My life is so horrible. I hate it. I need my Zoloft before I actually cut my wrists. I swear to God, I'll do it!" I'm no doctor, but here's a better solution. Go ahead and kill yourself, because you're just making the world a darker place by spreading your negativity all over my game. While you're wailing about like a total retard because you're "chemically imbalanced," everyone's looking at you wishing you'd go ahead and keel over because you're just trying to get attention.

 

You need a doctor Phil for this? Ok, here you go. Dr. Phil says call Smith & Wesson. They've got your answer. Loser.

 

New Feature! -- Gizoogle this Article


GOT BUCKEY COMIC BOOK

 

[March 8, 2005] Stop what you're doing right now and cry for the good of all man-kind. I'm making an announcement that will change the way you live. GotBuckey.com will be making a comic book. Please, pull yourself back in your chair. From the makers of great picture skits like "Thugs," "Stalker," "D6," and other horrid animations like "Hadduken," "Stacey Beats Off," and "JJW Goes To School" (never released), comes the first monthly GotBuckey Comic Series. Look for one or more of the following to be included...

 

-Old people pushed off of buildings

-Small children eaten by Rick Withers

-Mentally retarded blondes slammed in to a wood chipper

-Death by electrocution during sex

-Gonorrhea

 

This is sure to end peace talks between Middle Eastern countries and bring on terrorist attacks. Tune in soon for the first issue.


IF FORD FOCUS WAS COOL

 

[March 3, 2005]  If driving a green Ford Focus was cool, wouldn't you think everyone would own one? But the cold hard fact is, no, driving a green Ford Focus isn't cool, it makes you look like you're a father of two, with a mortgage and a minivan back home. A four door family sedan... that just screams, "look at me! I couldn't afford a real car, so I got this." It gets worse. How bout trying to trick out a 4 door sedan. Now that my friend takes talent. Wait, no, it takes someone that's on drugs. Or someone who's trying to impress a lady that falls for anything, and anyone. But mainly anything.

 

Or maybe if you drive one, you feel uncomfortable about the fact that your girlfriend is taller than you, so you want to drive a car that makes you look taller. But hey, what do I know, I wouldn't be caught dead in one.

 

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